Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just invented taco cereal.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
