call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
