life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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