also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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