she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
