Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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