I just gift wrapped bread.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
