Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
