Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
