she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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