Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
