Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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