The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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