I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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