Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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