i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I deserve this hangover.
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