why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
