Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
