Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
