K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
