Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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