You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
