I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
