First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
