My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
These tits shall not be calmed
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
