I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
