Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Randomize
