I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
she pinky promised me she was 18
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
