I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
