And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
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So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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