I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
