Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
