just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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