I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
