i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
