i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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