I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
