A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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