I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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