Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
