You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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