my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
