I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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