ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
