god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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