theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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