Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
