When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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