I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
This house was built for laser tag.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
