I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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