singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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