i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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