If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
