You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
