Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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