I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
