The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
