The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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