Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
