Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
